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"Finders Keepers"
Season 9, Episode 18
Air date April 3, 2003
Written by Dee Johnson
Directed by T.R. Babu Subramaniam
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Finders Keepers is the 18th episode of the 9th season of "E.R."


RAGING ROCKET ROMANO BURNS THROUGH UNHAPPY EMERGENCY ROOM: A tense E.R. spins further into chaos when a bitter Dr. Romano (Paul McCrane) assumes control and offends nearly everyone with his inept and dictatorial policies, while Dr. Lewis (Sherry Stringfield) is pleasantly surprised by the visit of an intimate relative (guest star Donal Logue).

Meanwhile, a sympathetic Dr. Kovac (Goran Visnjic) employs Dr. Corday's (Alex Kingston) help in his quest to bring a sickly Croatian boy to America for his only chance to live. Corday also counsels a frightened young pregnant woman (guest star Elizabeth Bogush) whose cancer jeopardizes both her life and the baby's.

Elsewhere, Corday's nanny accidentally runs over the foot of a cunning street salesman (guest star Max Grodenchik), Dr. Pratt (Mekhi Phifer) scrambles to buy Dr. Chen (Ming-Na) a gift for her birthday and Lewis is startled at what happens to a woman who fell and is admitted with a broken wrist.

Laura Innes, Maura Tierney and Sharif Atkins also star.





  • "Highway to Hell," AC/DC


Weaver: You're a one-handed surgeon, Robert. Not to mention a Human Resources nightmare and a lousy administrator who's burned more bridges than you've ever built. You're lucky to have options at all.
Romano: Oh, you're suggesting I have some.
Weaver: Yes, you do. You have three: It's this, it's teaching or it's out.

Romano: [to Jerry] Hey, pituitary boy.
Jerry: You talking to me?
Romano: Hey, I lost my arm, not my olfactory nerve. Sic Security on that bum taking a crap over there.

Romano: Get rid of this coffee machine in here! You losers can pay for your own java!

Carter [to Weaver] So how long is Romano gonna be down here?
Weaver: You think it's not permanent?
Carter: Because whoever runs the department needs communication and clinical skills.
Weaver: He is. He's an experienced physician.
Carter: His background is entirely surgical.
Weaver: John, you have to be associate professor before being department head.
Carter: I don't want his job, Kerry, I just don't wanna have to do two of them.

Dr. Woo: [to Romano] I'm sorry, what's your position here?
Romano: Your practical and intellectual superior with 20 years of surgical experience versus the 2 years of ass-wiping you call residency take her up.

Corday: Where's Dr. Woo?
Carter: She left.
Romano: You need to teach your residents to have thicker skin, Lizzie.
Abby: She only cried a little. Pratt's consoling her.

Romano: (to Gallant) Listen, okay Goofus? I'm the doctor, you're not...
Gallant: You know what? It seems to me that if your intention is to...
Romano: My intention is to serve out my time in this hell hole without having affirmative action imbeciles like you make me regret having ever gone into medicine.

[When a patient is making too much noise]
Romano: That is putting me on edge.
Jerry: It was worse when his girlfriend was here.
Romano: Tell Lewis to gag, sedate or kill him.
Chuny: She's on break.
Romano: Is there a prerequisite for working here? You have to be a know-nothing drag-ass who doesn't wear a watch? I suspected Weaver would kill her mother to get out of here. Now I know why. Only the chief of emergency medicine is concerned with clearing the board.
Nicky: You gotta help me.
Romano: Hands off, lowlife.

Romano: (to Luka) What, is this mandatory therapy crap making you a little soft, Kovac? Do us both a favor: stop seeing your shrink. I mean, I don't believe in it and frankly, if you're that screwed up, quit.

Corday: Kerry, can I ask you something? Are you as concerned about Robert as I am? More precisely, his mental health. He seems broken by this assignment.
Weaver: He's a cockroach. He'll refuse to evolve and yet survive us all.

Romano: You don't question my judgment you do not override my orders and you sure as Hell Don't Get Too Comfortable Here, DR. CARTER! THIS IS MY ER NOW! THAT STANDS FOR ONE THING: EVERYONE'S REPLACEABLE! Even you.

Weaver: I just wanted to check and see how Robert was doing.
Carter: As expected. He was abysmal. He has no patient rapport, stunted interpersonal skills and he's hostile.
Weaver: Qualities consistent with surgeons.
Carter: He doesn't know what he's doing and he almost killed a patient by prescribing inadequent treatment.
Weaver: But obviously you stopped him from doing so.
Carter: I can't stay on top of the guy 24/7.
Weaver: We're shifting him to administrative.
Carter: You gonna chain him to his desk?
Weaver: Look, the ER may not be the best fit for him, but it's all the man has. Just make it work. Or better yet, work around him.